Seri Dewi

Wahai Dewi, 
Kulihat kau penuh seri,
Gerak tubuhmu bagai menari,
Kau suri.


Inginku usap lemubutnya pipi,
Anganku bahu kasih ditumpangi,
Mahuku belai rambutmu wangi,
Dewi.


Dari jauh kasih kumenung,
Sampai bila harus kutenung,
Rindu ini sudah menggunung,
Kutanggung.


Wahai Dewi,
Marilah ke sini sayang, datang padaku.
Jangan khuatir, kusudah ada semua.
Katakan apa saja mahumu, apa kau mahu.
Apa mahumu? Emas, intan dan permata?


Oh indah. Indahnya malam ini.

Lebih baik

Putaran waktu tak bisa ke belakang,

Aku tidak bisa menjadi lebih muda seperti dulu.
Mustahil untuk aku pejam mata dan berharap pabila ia celik,
Ibu Ayah sedang mendodoi memujuk aku dengan selawat menjunjung Nabi 
mahupun dengan 'Adik jangan nangis, Ibu buat kerja'.

Tak. Mana mungkin.

Ada penyesalan yang kadang kadang aku salahkan Tuhan.

Bukan tiada iman. Masih ada.
Cuma terlalu penat melakukan kesilapan,
Sehingga rasa 'Aku mahu lari. Buat apa aku masih di sini. Baik mati'.
Aku menyalahkan takdir hidup. 
Berleter tentang apa yang tiada. Berharap untuk semua ada sedia kala.
Ada masa 'Kau boleh tak jangan campurkan urusan ini dengan kaitan Tuhan?'
'Kau boleh berhenti untuk cakap bersabarlah, ini semua ada hikmah?'

Iya, aku sudah nyatakan, aku cakap seperti tidak berTuhan.

Tapi masih ada iman. Masih ada.

Aku tak reti untuk buang memori durjana yang aku ada.

Mereka terus enak bermain dalam fikiran aku.
Ingin saja aku persetankan, kerana sudah cukup aku rasa penyesalan.
Sudah cukup untuk aku tahu itu salah dan jangan ulang.
Tapi durjana itu tak mahu pergi.
Lagi mengilai mereka lihat aku menjadi tidak waras.

Tidak waras. Aku benci untuk lihat diri sendiri terperangkap begitu.

Bagi manusia yang sentiasa ada dalam hidup,

Mengingatkan yang mekarnya bunga pasti akan layu jua,
Aku tidak lekang berdoa supaya Tuhan jaga kalian.
Sudah banyak kalian berikan. Mungkin juga ini bantuan dari Tuhan.
Semoga Dia balas yang baik baik.
Kerana kalian tempat aku berpaut.
Andai aku lepaskan pautan ini, aku mati.
Sendiri.

Penipuan terbesar yang aku pernah lakukan?

Bila aku bisikkan pada telinga, tanamkan pada hati,

'Kau kuat dan kau mampu'.

Haha. Itu semua retorik. Gila.

Aku tidak tulis kalau aku tidak rasa. Pernah dan masih.

Kerana apa yang ada pada aksara jika jiwanya tiada.
Sepertinya pelukis yang berkarya,
Mustahil jarinya menari membabi buta di atas kanvas.
Ada jiwa yang mengalir bersama warna yang dicalit.

Ini semua tentang aku. 

Buat kalian,

Hiduplah kalian semula. Hiduplah.
Setiap kelam pasti ada sinarnya.
Setiap suram pasti ada warnanya.

Izinkan aku mencuri sedikit kebahagiaan kalian.

Supaya aku masih percaya hidup ini bukan sialan.

To my dearest friend,

I know you've gone through a lot,
A tough one,
Things were sucks back then.

I know you've done things a lot,
Sacrifices, efforts,
But then you feel unappreciated.

I know you feel disappointed,
Sad, 
Your heart torn into pieces,
Seeing that people are not seeing you.

But then,
You are wrong, sayang. You are wrong.
I love you.
We love you. So much.

It is just that, I am a human too.
I got tired, 
I feel like don't want to talk,
I got my own ups and downs.

Same with others, dear.
We sometimes forgot.
Forgot to appreciate people around us.
Until one day, they left. No longer turning back.

But please, don't leave.
Don't turn into you in the past times.
And please, please.
Please don't expect people to always be with us.
Shit happens, and people would leave. 

Yes dear.
I've gone through that. It hurts.
It hurts to see people are really enjoying their life while we don't.
Like, they don't even care. 

People are like that, dear. Like that.

So please, I am begging you,
Please forgive me for all the wrongdoings I've done to you.
For the time I should lend,
For the attention I should give,
For the love I should share.

Just know that,
I love you.
We love you, dear.

Sendiri

Sepertinya, semua orang sudah lelah.

Buntu.
Mahu lari.
Penat.
Sesat.
Bosan.

Kelam.
Suram.

Apabila hari hari yang dulunya seri,
Gelak tawa tiada perlu dinanti,
Sepi merindui,
Hakiki.

Kini, dampingnya pudar,
Pelangi tetapi hitam dan putih,
Gula tetapi manisnya layang,
Jeda.

Lalu aku di sini, kulihatnya semua,
Jika penuh kudratku, 
Jika kental hatiku,
Ingin saja aku pergi ke sana,
"Mari, genggam tangan aku dan kita lari",
Hilang.

Sayang,
Realiti tidak mati.
Kita yang mati.

Kalian,
Andai mampu saja kita ubah manusia,
Andai mampu saja kita hidup sendiri,
Andai mampu saja kita pegun,

Pasti indah,
Semua di hati dalam genggaman,
Tiada hasutan manusia durjana,
Tiada nafsu tak tentu hala.

Cuma aku pinta,
Undur sedikit saja ke belakang,
Kalih kiri dan kanan,
Menatap langit menyembah bumi.

Ada yang lebih kuasa.

Dan kita hamba.

Ibu

I still remember on the very first time I was going to kindergarten. Excited much. I don't even cry (like my friends did) and feel scared. I was waaaaay too excited maybe to have new friends. The distance from my home and kindergarten is not so far, so my Ibu would send me riding a bicycle (it was blue, small). Ohh and not to forget, she was never fail to prepare me a 'bekal'. Let it be fried rice, 'roti celup telur' (how can I translate them in English?) or chicken nuggets (all time favourite). During recess time, my friends and I would eat together and stealing other people's food too! Hehe.

When it comes to graduation day, we would take a formal photo just few days before the event. During my 5 years old photograph day, I was feeling so excited that I wanted to look nice (and cuter than my friends which will not be happen of course) so my Ibu did two-braids; left and right side of my hair. Unfortunately, upon completing, I realized that the braids is not symmetry that the left one is shorter than the other one. And it was on my photograph day. Sad, but it was already late at that time so my Ibu said 'Takpelah tak nampak sangat', rode the blue bicycle to kindergarten. I still have the photo now, sitting on the front row (because I was short; am short) and obviously, the braids took all the attention upon myself. So yeah.

That was the story for 17 years ago.

And now I am already 22.

So means my Ibu is 17 years older now. Which make her 49 this year.

49 means a lot.

A lot in age means getting older.

Older means sicker.

Sigh.

Quite number of my friends told me that their moms are starting to get worse in their health. Heart disease, cancer etc. Which I would see myself in my Ibu, on how she struggles to even go upstairs to the second floor of my house. No more shopping Raya like last time, no more 'jalan jalan cuci mata' at shopping malls. Her steps are getting slower and weaker. Day by day. Ohh, her medicine. It's like Tic Tac with various colours but apparently not taste that good. Monthly medical check up from once a month to twice a month. Suddenly can't walk because she said the world is spinning around her, so we have to stop where we at, waiting for the spinning to go away.

Sigh. Again.

I have to pretend I am strong whenever I feel don't. I have to pretend I am okay whenever accompany her for medical check up. I have to pretend I am happy with my life whenever she ask me.

I have to. I am the only one for her. I couldn't and shouldn't disappoint her.

Which sometimes I can't. 

May Allah bless you, Ibu. Always.

Jangan pergi

Kadang kadang, aku tak dapat nafikan yang otak aku kosong.

Macam kau masuk satu bilik, empat penjuru, dinding warna putih. Sampaikan mana bucu pun tak nampak sebab terlalu putih.

Kosong.

Dan, begitulah aku.

Kadang kadang, aku ini hanya hidup kerana hidupnya orang sekeliling aku. Mereka ada untuk aku. Bukan aku yang hidupkan aku.

Sedih.

Kadang kadang aku terfikir, ibadat yang aku lakukan selama ini. Tuhan pandang? Tuhan terima? Dosa dosa yang aku buat. Tuhan ampunkan?

Kenapa aku masih rasa kosong?

Rasa seolah olah hilang tujuan hidup.

Tuhan, aku mohon kau jangan pernah lepaskan aku. Aku sudah nampak betapa indahnya aturan Kau untuk aku. Cuma aku mohon, jangan Kau lepaskan aku. Jangan.

Untuk kalian,

Bantu aku cari aku, boleh?

Dear self,

Dear self,

Please be strong. Nothing comes easy, girl. Nothing.

You can do beyond your imagination.

Be grateful for people around you. They help you a lot. They appreciate your existence.

It's okay to be sad. But don't let it fades your inner strength.

Believe in your soul,

Dear self.