Ibu

I still remember on the very first time I was going to kindergarten. Excited much. I don't even cry (like my friends did) and feel scared. I was waaaaay too excited maybe to have new friends. The distance from my home and kindergarten is not so far, so my Ibu would send me riding a bicycle (it was blue, small). Ohh and not to forget, she was never fail to prepare me a 'bekal'. Let it be fried rice, 'roti celup telur' (how can I translate them in English?) or chicken nuggets (all time favourite). During recess time, my friends and I would eat together and stealing other people's food too! Hehe.

When it comes to graduation day, we would take a formal photo just few days before the event. During my 5 years old photograph day, I was feeling so excited that I wanted to look nice (and cuter than my friends which will not be happen of course) so my Ibu did two-braids; left and right side of my hair. Unfortunately, upon completing, I realized that the braids is not symmetry that the left one is shorter than the other one. And it was on my photograph day. Sad, but it was already late at that time so my Ibu said 'Takpelah tak nampak sangat', rode the blue bicycle to kindergarten. I still have the photo now, sitting on the front row (because I was short; am short) and obviously, the braids took all the attention upon myself. So yeah.

That was the story for 17 years ago.

And now I am already 22.

So means my Ibu is 17 years older now. Which make her 49 this year.

49 means a lot.

A lot in age means getting older.

Older means sicker.

Sigh.

Quite number of my friends told me that their moms are starting to get worse in their health. Heart disease, cancer etc. Which I would see myself in my Ibu, on how she struggles to even go upstairs to the second floor of my house. No more shopping Raya like last time, no more 'jalan jalan cuci mata' at shopping malls. Her steps are getting slower and weaker. Day by day. Ohh, her medicine. It's like Tic Tac with various colours but apparently not taste that good. Monthly medical check up from once a month to twice a month. Suddenly can't walk because she said the world is spinning around her, so we have to stop where we at, waiting for the spinning to go away.

Sigh. Again.

I have to pretend I am strong whenever I feel don't. I have to pretend I am okay whenever accompany her for medical check up. I have to pretend I am happy with my life whenever she ask me.

I have to. I am the only one for her. I couldn't and shouldn't disappoint her.

Which sometimes I can't. 

May Allah bless you, Ibu. Always.

Jangan pergi

Kadang kadang, aku tak dapat nafikan yang otak aku kosong.

Macam kau masuk satu bilik, empat penjuru, dinding warna putih. Sampaikan mana bucu pun tak nampak sebab terlalu putih.

Kosong.

Dan, begitulah aku.

Kadang kadang, aku ini hanya hidup kerana hidupnya orang sekeliling aku. Mereka ada untuk aku. Bukan aku yang hidupkan aku.

Sedih.

Kadang kadang aku terfikir, ibadat yang aku lakukan selama ini. Tuhan pandang? Tuhan terima? Dosa dosa yang aku buat. Tuhan ampunkan?

Kenapa aku masih rasa kosong?

Rasa seolah olah hilang tujuan hidup.

Tuhan, aku mohon kau jangan pernah lepaskan aku. Aku sudah nampak betapa indahnya aturan Kau untuk aku. Cuma aku mohon, jangan Kau lepaskan aku. Jangan.

Untuk kalian,

Bantu aku cari aku, boleh?

Dear self,

Dear self,

Please be strong. Nothing comes easy, girl. Nothing.

You can do beyond your imagination.

Be grateful for people around you. They help you a lot. They appreciate your existence.

It's okay to be sad. But don't let it fades your inner strength.

Believe in your soul,

Dear self.

Love

I am sorry for not being a good one to you.

While you have nobody else to rely on. To put on hope.

Except me.

I don't know. 

I don't like us right now. It is not same in few years back.
Where rainbows were always there despite of heavy rain and bad storm.
Where smiles were always there despite of silent moment across the time.

Now, all I can feel is just a faded love.
And yea, it is fading.
Until one day, I just hope that there's miracle happens.

I just want to feel the same love, again.

Can I? Please?

Aku pinta, jangan.

Ada satu perkara yang aku mahu kau tahu.

Aku tak pandai berpuisi. Aku tak pandai menyusun aksara.

Aku hanya tahu, meluahkan. Ini satu antara seribu yang lain.

Aku pinta,

Kau jangan pergi.

Setelah apa aku tempuhi, setelah apa aku rintangi,

Kau jangan pergi.

Sebab,

Kau antara cahaya kala aku sesat menuju gelita.

Sebab,

Kau antara yang benar tika aku salah katanya.

Sebab,

Aku tak tahu mana arahku,

Jika kau tiada.

Bunga

Semua yang kau lihat ini, bukan aku yang dulu. Pengalaman mengajar aku, untuk lebih hati hati.

Dan tak menyesal.

Akan ada dalam hidup kita yang mana, paksa kita untuk buka mata. Walau kedip kita itu seakan akan tak mahu lihat dunia lagi.

Hakikatnya, kita kena buka jua.

Waktu itulah, kita seakan akan sedar yang, selama ini kita silap. Sebab kita dah selesa dengan sikap kita, perangai kita.

Sampai kita tak tahu ada yang membenci, ada yang jelek.

Dari saat itu, aku jadi,

Jadi lain. Aku jadi aku yang sekarang.

Aku buang sedikit perasaan aku, tapi bukan semua. Untuk aku jadi lebih keras. Untuk aku tidak gantung pada makhluk hidup yang lain. Untuk aku terus hidup,

Sendiri.

Terima kasih atas pengalaman yang kamu semua beri. Aku harap, wujudnya aku dalam hidup kalian bukan sebagai parasit. Aku harap aku seperti bunga.

Bunga yang segarnya tak lama, akan layu juga,

Nanti.

Lapang

Keadaan manusia sekeliling membuatkan aku,

Aku,

Entah.

Salah dituding ke diri orang lain. Niatnya nampak elok, suci.

Tetapi, mengapa sanggup bertindak sedemikian rupa?

Oh, mungkin juga, akalnya tak panjang ketika itu. Dicucuk syaitan yang sah sah kerjanya menghasut. Menghasut sampai manusia ini berpecah belah.

Ini ujian.

Tuhan minta aku berlapang dada.

Ya, mungkin itu. Mungkin.

Cuma aku minta, aku pohon,

Segala tindakan yang kau lakukan,

Fikirkan sebab mengapa kau lakukan sedemikian pada mulanya.

Aku tak mahu kau dibenci oleh aku. Aku tak mahu.

Kerana kita ini semua bersaudara.

Bukankah kau telah faham?